Thursday, April 1, 2010

Ken Campbell Shocks the Hockey World, Resigns From the Hockey News

The hockey world was stunned today when Ken Campbell announced his resignation from the Hockey News to begin covering pee wee and high school hockey. Campbell had been a regular contributor to the Hockey News for a number of years, writing a column called "Campbell's Cuts".

When asked about the move Campbell gave an interesting response. "How many head shots can I write about?", he said. "The players keep hitting one another in the head and I keep writing the same things about respect for one another and the need to get this type of hit out of the game. It's obvious they aren't listening to me."

Campbell became more agitated when he discussed interviewing players. "All you hear are the same old cliches," he said. "They talk about "puck presence" all the time. When you are on the ice, you are in the presence of the puck, you bunch of morons."

"And how many times can you say 'We have to be strong on the puck'? These guys couldn't stop turning over the puck if it was tied to their stick with a string. Boy, there is a blinding flash of the obvious!"

Campbell said that he was burnt out with the man crush that he had on Sidney Crosby. "Crosby, crap, what a boring interview. Say something worthwhile, you shmuck. I can't come up with enough adjectives to make you look interesting."

As to his future, Campbell indicated that he was looking forward to covering pee wee and high school hockey. "At this level, there is some really interesting stuff about which to write. Your standing on COD4, who is going with who to the prom. These guys are on my level, and I can't wait to dive in and start covering some real people."

The first big story that Campbell is working on is about a pee wee program that is re-locating to Nashville. "They are just moving, lock, stock, and barrel. Parents are selling homes and looking for jobs in the Nashville area. Unbelievable, but when you look at it, it makes perfect sense. Nashville is a hockey hot bed. They have a good thing going down there, and I know hockey is going to be around for a long time in the Nashville market."

"When I go down there, I hope to meet Taylor Swift and some of the other country stars there. Nashville is a cultural gem, and I look forward to spending many great days there."

Asked if he would miss the Hockey News, Campbell replied, "Are you kidding me? All it we did was cover Toronto and their failure to make the playoffs, along with Washington, Chicago, Detroit, New York. Hell, we didn't even know other teams existed. How many ways can you spin the ineptness of the Leafs or the Rangers?"

To say this is a shocking development would be an understatement. It is unusual that Campbell decided to make this announcement on April 1st, just as the playoffs were about to begin.

*this column is an April fool's joke. As hockey fans, we are not this fortunate.

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