Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Predators Are Visited By Santa

Ho, Ho, Ho, it's the jolly old fat guy here... What? NO, not Ken Hitchcock! Santa Claus! Kris Kringle. I have , ahem, "borrowed" the View's blog to share some early Christmas cheer with my favorite hockey team, the Predators, their fans, and the Nashville sports community. So let's take a look in the old bag... I swear if there is one more Mrs. Claus joke from the elves when I say that they are all fired! Anyway, let's see what we have for the boys.

Ah, for my favorite agitator, Jordin Tootoo, I have some kevlar boots for the next time he is on the ice with Shea Weber. Friendly fire and all that, you know. Get healed up soon, my boy.

Look what I have for David Legwand and Marty Erat- a calendar with the start of hockey season circled in early October. You boys were MIA for the first month of the season, but ol' Santa sure likes the way you are playing now.

For Patric Hornqvist, I have a Swedish masseuse to massage out all the the bumps and bruises that you get from the beatings you take in front of the opponents net. Ol' St. Nick will get her to you shortly. Just want to make sure she is, uh... properly trained. Yeah, that's it. Properly trained.

Steve Sullivan, I have a back for you that is as strong as your heart.

For Joel Ward, Marcel Goc, Ryan Jones, Jerred Smithson, and Dave Scatchard, I have new lunchboxes. You guys are the epitome of a lunch pail group of guys, but you bring it like Santa, only every night.

Ho, Ho, Ho, let's see what else... What? Phone call from Mr. Woods? Oh, tell him that's not what I meant!

Anyway, where was Ol' Santa? Oh, yes...

To Head Coach Barry Trotz,  some extra large vise grips to continue squeezing all the talent out of these guys that he can. Oh, look, and some mistletoe to distribute to the voters of post season awards so maybe, just maybe, he can get a little love when it comes time to vote for Coach of the Year.

Pekka Rinne and Dan Ellis, I have groins made out of rubber bands for you guys. You boys have made Santa happy with some amazing saves, and Santa likes to be happy. Keep it up, and Santa might bring you boys one of those Swedish masseuses as well. Ho, Ho, uh... nevermind.

Oh look, Santa has a special gift for the Nashville Sports Authority. A book for each member entitled "Leases for Dummies: An Understanding of How Their Lease With the Predators Works". Hey, Sports Authority members- Santa's watching you. Don't make me put coal in your stocking.

And for the good boys in the Predators Ownership Group I have ... Butts. Lots of Butts. In seats. At the Sommet Center, or whatever you're calling the big concrete place on Broadway. Happy butts, eager to see hockey and spend money.

A last minute gift for the Tennessean. Your sports section is beginning to get it and not treat the Predators as an afterthought, and Santa likes that. But for the rest of you guys... well let's just say that you're lucky Ol' Santa didn't leave something worse than coal in your stocking, if you know what I mean. So for Nate, Michael, Brad, and anyone else that chooses to write about the off ice affairs of the Predators, my present to you is the ability to be a real reporter, not a wannabe. Dig deeper; ask the follow up questions, and fairly present all sides of the story.

Santa has just a couple of more gifts for some very special people, and Santa has put a lot of thought in to these gifts.

For William "Boots" Del Biaggio a big burly cell mate.Who thinks you are cute.

For Jim Balsillie, an NHL franchise in Hamilton. Attendance is horrific as fans in Hamilton decide they like curling better. The franchise is later acquired from you, and despite assurances to the contrary, is moved in the dead of night to South Florida.

And finally, for Pete Weber and Terry Crisp. You guys are the best and Santa likes the way you good boys call the game. So for you, Petey, no "pre-mature flaming" (we all know how embarassing that can be), a continued encyclopedic knowledge of all sports, and the stamina to keep up with your broadcast partner. And for you, Crispy, an endless supply of "Bubba's", 'cause Santa likes to take a drink every time you say that. Ol' Santa sometimes has a hard time remembering past the first period, but, Ho, Ho, Ho, that's just fine. That's what DVR's are for. And a "bobble" of fine wine to share with your lovely wife.

Santa has many more gifts in his sack, but you're just gonna have to wait until Christmas morning to see what I bring. I have to get these elves cracking since time is short. They really no longer like to be called elves, so since they work for me, I refer to them as subordinate clauses..

Any way, I had better give the View back his blog. Merry Christmas to all of you good Predator fans.

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